Be the Example You Want to See

With so much changing in our lives right now, I have found myself pausing to think about what I want to put into the world—and what I would like to see more of in return.

Kindness.

Patience.

Consideration.

Positivity.

A willingness to remember that we are all trying to make our way through lives that other people cannot fully see.

Many years ago, I came across a phrase often attributed to Gandhi:

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Those exact words have never been found in his writings, although they reflect an idea he did express:

If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.

The familiar phrase resonated with me as soon as I read it.

But I think I carried those words with me for a long time before I truly began putting them into practice.

It is easy to think about how we wish other people would behave.

We want people to be more patient.

More thoughtful.

More willing to consider how their choices affect everyone around them.

But if those are the qualities I want to encounter in the world, I have to ask myself whether they are also the qualities I am putting into it.

The school drop-off and pickup lines are good places to practice.

They can be brutal.

Some drivers seem determined to be first. They move as close as possible to the car in front of them because letting another person enter the line might cost them a few precious seconds.

But everyone in that line has somewhere to be.

They have children to pick up, jobs to reach, appointments to make, groceries to buy, and responsibilities waiting beyond the school parking lot.

What if each of us simply let one person in?

Wouldn’t the entire line move more smoothly?

I have noticed that when I stop and allow another car to enter, drivers around me often begin doing the same thing.

One person lets someone in.

Then another does it.

My children and I have noticed it happening and commented on it together.

Consideration begins to move through the line.

I have seen the same thing happen in traffic around town. One driver slows down and makes room, and another driver follows the example.

It can happen when someone holds a door for the person behind them.

It can happen when a driver finally stops for the pedestrian everyone else has ignored.

One small act can remind the people who witness it that they have an opportunity to do the same.

My brother once told me that his therapist said children learn in three ways:

Example.

Example.

Example.

I think adults still learn that way, too.

Kindness can be infectious.

Unfortunately, so can negativity.

Impatience spreads. Irritation spreads. One person’s anger can change the atmosphere of an entire room.

But laughter can spread, too.

So can a smile.

So can a genuinely good mood.

That does not mean everyone will welcome it.

I once had a coworker ask me, “How come you’re always so happy?”

They told me it wasn’t natural.

I thought about something my parents used to say:

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

We do not always get to choose what happens to us.

We do have some choice in how we look at it, what we carry forward from it, and what we place back into the world.

Positivity does not mean ignoring what is wrong.

It does not mean pretending something didn’t hurt, denying that a problem exists, or forcing ourselves to feel happy when we don’t.

For me, it means looking honestly at what happened and then asking whether there is also something to appreciate, a lesson to carry forward, a little humor to be found, or a way to grow through it.

Focusing only on what is wrong creates one feeling within me.

Looking for what can still be learned, loved, or laughed about creates another.

When I can, I consciously choose the second.

Most mornings when I walk into work, I smile and happily say hello to each person I pass.

For the most part, I receive a smile and a cheerful greeting in return.

Sometimes I get a grunt or a grumble.

A couple of people regularly do not respond at all.

I understand. Mornings are not everyone’s thing.

They aren’t really mine, either.

But that doesn’t stop me from smiling.

Someone else’s response does not get to determine what I contribute or take away the positive outlook I have consciously chosen.

And I like to believe that even when someone seems irritated by my happiness, perhaps a tiny seed is still planted.

Maybe they will think about it later when they are alone.

Maybe they will remember that someone smiled when they didn’t smile back.

That someone offered patience when they weren’t expecting it.

That someone remained kind when it would have been easy to return their irritation.

Perhaps that seed will begin to grow.

We do not always get to witness the effect we have on another person.

Being the example does not mean everyone will immediately follow it. It does not mean everyone will understand it or appreciate it.

Sometimes we simply plant the seed and trust that what happens next belongs to them.

There is a word I love: sonder.

It describes the realization that every person we pass is living a life as complex and meaningful as our own.

The driver waiting to merge has somewhere to be.

The pedestrian trying to cross the street has a life we know nothing about.

The coworker who doesn’t return our greeting may be carrying something they haven’t shared.

Remembering that does not mean excusing every unkind behavior. It means recognizing the humanity of the person behind it.

It means treating others as we would want to be treated even on our worst day.

It means keeping our fellow humans in mind.

We cannot control what other people bring into the world.

We cannot control whether they return our kindness, accept our smile, or follow our example.

But we can decide what we will contribute.

So perhaps today, instead of waiting for someone else to go first, you can be the patience you wish someone would show you.

Be the consideration you hope to encounter.

Be the kindness you want to see spreading from one person to another.

Plant the seed, even if you never get to watch it grow.

Be the example you want to see.

You are always welcome here.

WGG 🌿